Sin Studly
10-21-2005, 04:52 PM
Okay, I'm sick of you faggots drinking like idiot pansy girls. So I'm going to teach you how you're supposed to drink like men of class, like gentlemen, like refined men of impeccable taste. Here goes.
Absinthe
I'm sure you all know how to drink absinthe. Soak a sugar cube in it, place a knife over the glass. Set the soaked sugar cube on the knife, and light it on fire. When the fire goes out and sugar is semi-caramelised, you drop it into the absinthe and crush it up. Then you add about two parts water to your one part absinthe. That is how you drink absinthe. Shotting and drinking straight from the bottle is uncouth (but hell, do it anyway)
Oyso
Oyso is one of the strong liquers that can be drunk straight, at room temperature. Never chill it. It's delicious straight from the bottle, or neat. If you must mix, mix it with coke.
Scotch Whiskey
Three main types ; bar, blended, and single malt. Single malt (Johnny Walker Blue Label, Chivas Regal, etc) should always be drunk neat. Slightly above room temperature, so you'll need to put it in a glass and warm it with the heat of your hand. Blended (Johnny Walker Black Label, etc) can be drunk neat, but isn't always good enough. It's fine over the rocks, and it's excellent in whiskey sours (add a squeeze of lemon juice, and a twist of rind if you have it handy). Bar scotch (Famous Grouse, Black Douglas, etc.) is usually shit, and if it's not good enough to drink over rocks, it should be mixed with dry ginger ale, coke or black coffee in the morning. If you like sugar in your coffee, add as much as you normally would. It can also be shotted in boilermakers. Nothing but bar scotch should ever be shotted. Note that scotch and water is a disgusting and unrefined choice.
Bourbon Whiskey
Three or four main types, I forget them all. Tennessee, Kentucky, a couple others. It doesn't really matter, cause it's a question of taste, not quality, as is the case with scotches. Decent bourbons should be sipped neat, less than decent should be drunk over rocks. Shit bourbon should be mixed with dry ginger or coke. If you add bourbon to black coffee, put in about half the amount of sugar you'd normally add.
Other Whiskeys
Jamesons and Canadian Club are smooth, and okay tasting. Drink them neat. Any other whiskeys should be drunk over ice, or mixed. Note that none of them are as sweet as bourbon, so if you make coffee with them, add as much sugar as you normally would.
Southern Comfort
No. Under no circumstances. Ever.
Tequila
Dark tequilas like Jose Cuervo are best, but light tequilas like Coyote are also acceptable. Note that tequila only has two purposes. Getting you drunk, and giving you the excuse to do body shots with an attractive member of the opposite sex. Tequila should be shotted in boilermakers, or in lick-sip-sucks (lick your wrist, pour salt on it, lick the salt, drink the shot, bite into a wedge of lemon or lime and suck). To do a body shot, the salt goes on the neck or breastline of the attractive member of the opposite sex. They hold the wedge between their teeth for you to bite it. There is also the tequila slammer, which is the same as a lip-sick-suck, but you add the slightest bit of carbonated beverage (usually lemonade) to the shot. You then cover the shot and slam it down on the table, causing it to fizz. This increases the time it takes to absorb into your bloodstream, and gets you wasted quicker. If you drink slammers with a straw, it's called a "Sudden Death". Most bars will refuse to serve you this way, as they know from bitter experience what it does to human beings. Tequila doesn't mix well with anything except coffee, and you'll find yourself having to add extra salt, to counteract the saltiness of tequila. Tequila sunrises are an abomination.
Vodka
Unfortunately, vodka is the favoured drink of pansy tards who hate the taste of alcohol. This is because it mixes with anything. This does not mean it's not sophisticated and refined to drink vodka straight. It should never be drunk at room temperature, this is what alcoholics and retards do. Nor should it be drunk over rocks, chill your vodka in the fridge (not freezer), and drink neat. Vodka martinis (despite what you may have seen in the 007 movies) are not sophisticated or refined, they are what cretins drink. Avoid vodka martinis. If you have vodka so bad it simply must be mixed, the best vodka mixer is one shot of vodka, two shots of lime cordial, a dash of Angastora bitters, then fill the glass up with lemonade. Of course, vodka mixes with everything.
Gin
Gin is the drink of the truly refined and sophisticated man. It should be drunk chilled and neat, with a dash of quinine powder or a twist of lemon/lime rind if one so desires. It's also excellent in martinis, the sophisticated man only drinks extra dry martinis, with olive or lemon rind. Cocktail onions are uncouth. If you must mix, you're best to go with bitter lemon (ie; carbonated lemon-based soda with added quinine powder). Gin and tonic is, despite what you may have heard, very uncouth and unsophisticated. It's a bitch whore drink. Gin and juice is just as bad, and has gotten even worse since the Snoop Dogg song.
Brandy
Naturally, you'll want to go for cognac or amignac. Brandy should ideally be served in a snifter, but it's not neccessary. The reason for it is to spread the heat from ones hand and totally encompass as much of the drink as possible, as you'll want to drink it slightly above room temperature. Even common brandies are acceptable drunk like this. If you must mix brandy, never mix with coke, use something that isn't sweet, like dry ginger ale. Brandy Alexanders are an abomination. Plum brandies such as slijvovice, slivovica and slivovitz are unsophisticated alcoholics drinks, suitable only for shotting in boilermakers.
Rum
Go for dark. Light rum is a bitches choice. Overproof rum, like Bacardi 151 is excellent for shotting in boilermakers, but not much else. For regular rum, you'll probably want to add a little lemon juice, or lemon rind. If not, you really don't want to be drinking it straight. Mix with something like dry ginger, to avoid the excessive sweetness coke or similar carbonated beverages will bring. Don't mix with juice. If you add rum to black coffee (which is quite delicious), forgo any sugar you'd normally put in.
Absinthe
I'm sure you all know how to drink absinthe. Soak a sugar cube in it, place a knife over the glass. Set the soaked sugar cube on the knife, and light it on fire. When the fire goes out and sugar is semi-caramelised, you drop it into the absinthe and crush it up. Then you add about two parts water to your one part absinthe. That is how you drink absinthe. Shotting and drinking straight from the bottle is uncouth (but hell, do it anyway)
Oyso
Oyso is one of the strong liquers that can be drunk straight, at room temperature. Never chill it. It's delicious straight from the bottle, or neat. If you must mix, mix it with coke.
Scotch Whiskey
Three main types ; bar, blended, and single malt. Single malt (Johnny Walker Blue Label, Chivas Regal, etc) should always be drunk neat. Slightly above room temperature, so you'll need to put it in a glass and warm it with the heat of your hand. Blended (Johnny Walker Black Label, etc) can be drunk neat, but isn't always good enough. It's fine over the rocks, and it's excellent in whiskey sours (add a squeeze of lemon juice, and a twist of rind if you have it handy). Bar scotch (Famous Grouse, Black Douglas, etc.) is usually shit, and if it's not good enough to drink over rocks, it should be mixed with dry ginger ale, coke or black coffee in the morning. If you like sugar in your coffee, add as much as you normally would. It can also be shotted in boilermakers. Nothing but bar scotch should ever be shotted. Note that scotch and water is a disgusting and unrefined choice.
Bourbon Whiskey
Three or four main types, I forget them all. Tennessee, Kentucky, a couple others. It doesn't really matter, cause it's a question of taste, not quality, as is the case with scotches. Decent bourbons should be sipped neat, less than decent should be drunk over rocks. Shit bourbon should be mixed with dry ginger or coke. If you add bourbon to black coffee, put in about half the amount of sugar you'd normally add.
Other Whiskeys
Jamesons and Canadian Club are smooth, and okay tasting. Drink them neat. Any other whiskeys should be drunk over ice, or mixed. Note that none of them are as sweet as bourbon, so if you make coffee with them, add as much sugar as you normally would.
Southern Comfort
No. Under no circumstances. Ever.
Tequila
Dark tequilas like Jose Cuervo are best, but light tequilas like Coyote are also acceptable. Note that tequila only has two purposes. Getting you drunk, and giving you the excuse to do body shots with an attractive member of the opposite sex. Tequila should be shotted in boilermakers, or in lick-sip-sucks (lick your wrist, pour salt on it, lick the salt, drink the shot, bite into a wedge of lemon or lime and suck). To do a body shot, the salt goes on the neck or breastline of the attractive member of the opposite sex. They hold the wedge between their teeth for you to bite it. There is also the tequila slammer, which is the same as a lip-sick-suck, but you add the slightest bit of carbonated beverage (usually lemonade) to the shot. You then cover the shot and slam it down on the table, causing it to fizz. This increases the time it takes to absorb into your bloodstream, and gets you wasted quicker. If you drink slammers with a straw, it's called a "Sudden Death". Most bars will refuse to serve you this way, as they know from bitter experience what it does to human beings. Tequila doesn't mix well with anything except coffee, and you'll find yourself having to add extra salt, to counteract the saltiness of tequila. Tequila sunrises are an abomination.
Vodka
Unfortunately, vodka is the favoured drink of pansy tards who hate the taste of alcohol. This is because it mixes with anything. This does not mean it's not sophisticated and refined to drink vodka straight. It should never be drunk at room temperature, this is what alcoholics and retards do. Nor should it be drunk over rocks, chill your vodka in the fridge (not freezer), and drink neat. Vodka martinis (despite what you may have seen in the 007 movies) are not sophisticated or refined, they are what cretins drink. Avoid vodka martinis. If you have vodka so bad it simply must be mixed, the best vodka mixer is one shot of vodka, two shots of lime cordial, a dash of Angastora bitters, then fill the glass up with lemonade. Of course, vodka mixes with everything.
Gin
Gin is the drink of the truly refined and sophisticated man. It should be drunk chilled and neat, with a dash of quinine powder or a twist of lemon/lime rind if one so desires. It's also excellent in martinis, the sophisticated man only drinks extra dry martinis, with olive or lemon rind. Cocktail onions are uncouth. If you must mix, you're best to go with bitter lemon (ie; carbonated lemon-based soda with added quinine powder). Gin and tonic is, despite what you may have heard, very uncouth and unsophisticated. It's a bitch whore drink. Gin and juice is just as bad, and has gotten even worse since the Snoop Dogg song.
Brandy
Naturally, you'll want to go for cognac or amignac. Brandy should ideally be served in a snifter, but it's not neccessary. The reason for it is to spread the heat from ones hand and totally encompass as much of the drink as possible, as you'll want to drink it slightly above room temperature. Even common brandies are acceptable drunk like this. If you must mix brandy, never mix with coke, use something that isn't sweet, like dry ginger ale. Brandy Alexanders are an abomination. Plum brandies such as slijvovice, slivovica and slivovitz are unsophisticated alcoholics drinks, suitable only for shotting in boilermakers.
Rum
Go for dark. Light rum is a bitches choice. Overproof rum, like Bacardi 151 is excellent for shotting in boilermakers, but not much else. For regular rum, you'll probably want to add a little lemon juice, or lemon rind. If not, you really don't want to be drinking it straight. Mix with something like dry ginger, to avoid the excessive sweetness coke or similar carbonated beverages will bring. Don't mix with juice. If you add rum to black coffee (which is quite delicious), forgo any sugar you'd normally put in.