Jakebert
12-29-2006, 04:25 PM
Hello, all! Now, there's no doubt that some of you reading this are n00bs who want to be liked, lepers who want to change their reputations, or just people who want Endy to stop posting pictures of horses having sex with old men in all of their threads. Well, as the nice guy I am, I decided to give you a list of tips to help you on your magical journey through the land of The BBS! However, I cannot promise that Endy will stop posting pictures of horse sex. No one can promise that. Enjoy:
1.) Excessive swearing does not make you "shocking" or "offensive". Just because all of your posts have the word "fuck" in them doesn't mean that they're impressive or cool. It just makes you look like a 12 year old who just discovered swear words. If you actually are a 12 year old who just discovered swear words: I understand, but still, we're going to make fun of you. That'll teach you for not being as old as we are.
2.) Being offensive is not the same as being funny or cool. Just because you insult people doesn't mean your posts are inherently funny. Those other people that are known for that kind of thing, but still liked, are liked because there's some humor, truth, and originality behind their insults. Simply saying "you fuck your own mom, asshole!" is not funny, and just makes you look dumb. EX: Every episode of "Mind of Mencia".
3.) Abrasiveness is not a substitute for intelligence. N00bs may notice that the people that seem to win arguments are always those who are much more aggressive in how they argue. So, they in turn decide to attempt that. But, they do not realize that it's much less the agressiveness, but rather the actual content of their argument that causes them to win. The agressiveness and insuly merely add to their posts. Just because your posts are angry and full of swear words and insults does not mean that you're making valid points. In fact, posts that are angry and insulting without actual valid points usually just prove that the people you're arguing with are smarter than you, and you know it. Remember: it's about content.
4.) Never use the argument "I don't really care what people on a message board think about me". In posting at all, you're saying the opposite. Really, how stupid do you have to be to try this one? Nobody cares if you don't care, because in their eyes, you're still an idiot regardless. The simple fact is that this is a message board, and no one cares about your attitude towards it, but about the attitude of your posts.
5.) Don't show off the fact that you have a personal life outside of the board as if it makes you better than everyone else. As surprising as it may be, everyone on that board has some kind of personal life, even ilovellamas! They just don't feel the need to show it off because they aren't so insecure about themselves that they have to make themselves valid by doing so. This always has the opposite effect of what you're going for, because either you let everyone know you're a perverted virgin who thinks he can get it on with some girl just because she knows his name, or you look like a tryhard. Plus, no one cares that you have SEX with your GIRLFRIEND. She's probably fat and greasy anyway.
6.) If you fail, don't get defensive about it. Face it, you failed. Be a man or woman about it. Or in Jojan's case...whatever the fuck Jojan is about it. Everyone fails at some point, but the l33t people are never remembered for their failures because they don't make a huge deal out of it when they do. But, if you make a huge deal out of it, then chances are you'll be remembered as an idiot for the rest of your tenure at the board. EX: Every post Dain has ever made. Ever.
7.) Sex jokes do not automatically equal funny. Even though I've already said it many times, I feel I should repeat it again since some of you are Offspring fans: it's about the content of the post, not how many times you can say "penis". A joke is funny because it's well crafted, not because you strung some random body parts together into a sentence. Plus, William Shattner references are always funnier than sex jokes.
8.) Just because you admit that you suck at message boards doesn't make is acceptable. Constantly calling attention to the fact that everyone hates you as if it's a badge of honor just makes you look that much more pathetic, you stupid attention whore. Your reputation could slowly fade away if you actually let it. Brigning it up again just keeps everyone remembering that time you stole someone else's post, then lied about it.
9.) On a similar note as #8, even if people don't like you, don't constantly try to start arguments about it in threads that have nothing to do with you. Constantly bringing yourself up in threads with passive aggressive jabs at people who said nothing to you just makes you look like a stupid attention whore who wants to start arguments for no reason.
10.) If you're a nobody whom no one even really knows exists, don't try to give yourself a reputation, even if it's a negative one. It's okay if you want to be noticed, but do it by making a funny joke, a good argument, or having good taste. But don't constantly jump into threads and tell everyone that they hate you. If your self-esteem is that low, and you actually think people hate you that much, then go do some painkillers or start drinking. You know, something that doesn't hurt anyone.
11.) If everyone on the board is telling you the exact same thing, then chances are it's true. Stop pretending that the problem is with everyone else, you self-important moron. If there's like 15 people all who all are pointing out the same holes in your arguments/post, then you're wrong. It's not a global conspiracy against you. It's not just a bunch of insomniacs who are grumpy because they were up all night feeling bad about being mean to you. You're just stupid. It's that simple.
12.) Inside jokes between friends are fun, but no one on the message board gives a fuck. Don't put things like "OMGZ FRIED CHEESE DRUMSTICKS!!!" in your sig and expect everyone to laugh the same way you and your friends did when *insert lame story* happened. Oh, and just because your friends think you're funny doesn't mean that you are. There's a big chance that they might be retarded. I mean, come on, they're talking to you aren't they?
13.) Finally, remember, even if people don't like you now, there's always hope. It may not seem like it, but if you just stop being stupid, and realize that everyone else may be right on some accounts. HeadaroundU, for example, has become quite the good poster, despite being universally disliked for some time. There's hope for everyone. Well, except noodlesfan. You should just end it now while you're ahead.
That's all for Mr. Jakebert's BBS Tips For Beginners, vol. 1. Vol. 2 coming: Probably never.
1.) Excessive swearing does not make you "shocking" or "offensive". Just because all of your posts have the word "fuck" in them doesn't mean that they're impressive or cool. It just makes you look like a 12 year old who just discovered swear words. If you actually are a 12 year old who just discovered swear words: I understand, but still, we're going to make fun of you. That'll teach you for not being as old as we are.
2.) Being offensive is not the same as being funny or cool. Just because you insult people doesn't mean your posts are inherently funny. Those other people that are known for that kind of thing, but still liked, are liked because there's some humor, truth, and originality behind their insults. Simply saying "you fuck your own mom, asshole!" is not funny, and just makes you look dumb. EX: Every episode of "Mind of Mencia".
3.) Abrasiveness is not a substitute for intelligence. N00bs may notice that the people that seem to win arguments are always those who are much more aggressive in how they argue. So, they in turn decide to attempt that. But, they do not realize that it's much less the agressiveness, but rather the actual content of their argument that causes them to win. The agressiveness and insuly merely add to their posts. Just because your posts are angry and full of swear words and insults does not mean that you're making valid points. In fact, posts that are angry and insulting without actual valid points usually just prove that the people you're arguing with are smarter than you, and you know it. Remember: it's about content.
4.) Never use the argument "I don't really care what people on a message board think about me". In posting at all, you're saying the opposite. Really, how stupid do you have to be to try this one? Nobody cares if you don't care, because in their eyes, you're still an idiot regardless. The simple fact is that this is a message board, and no one cares about your attitude towards it, but about the attitude of your posts.
5.) Don't show off the fact that you have a personal life outside of the board as if it makes you better than everyone else. As surprising as it may be, everyone on that board has some kind of personal life, even ilovellamas! They just don't feel the need to show it off because they aren't so insecure about themselves that they have to make themselves valid by doing so. This always has the opposite effect of what you're going for, because either you let everyone know you're a perverted virgin who thinks he can get it on with some girl just because she knows his name, or you look like a tryhard. Plus, no one cares that you have SEX with your GIRLFRIEND. She's probably fat and greasy anyway.
6.) If you fail, don't get defensive about it. Face it, you failed. Be a man or woman about it. Or in Jojan's case...whatever the fuck Jojan is about it. Everyone fails at some point, but the l33t people are never remembered for their failures because they don't make a huge deal out of it when they do. But, if you make a huge deal out of it, then chances are you'll be remembered as an idiot for the rest of your tenure at the board. EX: Every post Dain has ever made. Ever.
7.) Sex jokes do not automatically equal funny. Even though I've already said it many times, I feel I should repeat it again since some of you are Offspring fans: it's about the content of the post, not how many times you can say "penis". A joke is funny because it's well crafted, not because you strung some random body parts together into a sentence. Plus, William Shattner references are always funnier than sex jokes.
8.) Just because you admit that you suck at message boards doesn't make is acceptable. Constantly calling attention to the fact that everyone hates you as if it's a badge of honor just makes you look that much more pathetic, you stupid attention whore. Your reputation could slowly fade away if you actually let it. Brigning it up again just keeps everyone remembering that time you stole someone else's post, then lied about it.
9.) On a similar note as #8, even if people don't like you, don't constantly try to start arguments about it in threads that have nothing to do with you. Constantly bringing yourself up in threads with passive aggressive jabs at people who said nothing to you just makes you look like a stupid attention whore who wants to start arguments for no reason.
10.) If you're a nobody whom no one even really knows exists, don't try to give yourself a reputation, even if it's a negative one. It's okay if you want to be noticed, but do it by making a funny joke, a good argument, or having good taste. But don't constantly jump into threads and tell everyone that they hate you. If your self-esteem is that low, and you actually think people hate you that much, then go do some painkillers or start drinking. You know, something that doesn't hurt anyone.
11.) If everyone on the board is telling you the exact same thing, then chances are it's true. Stop pretending that the problem is with everyone else, you self-important moron. If there's like 15 people all who all are pointing out the same holes in your arguments/post, then you're wrong. It's not a global conspiracy against you. It's not just a bunch of insomniacs who are grumpy because they were up all night feeling bad about being mean to you. You're just stupid. It's that simple.
12.) Inside jokes between friends are fun, but no one on the message board gives a fuck. Don't put things like "OMGZ FRIED CHEESE DRUMSTICKS!!!" in your sig and expect everyone to laugh the same way you and your friends did when *insert lame story* happened. Oh, and just because your friends think you're funny doesn't mean that you are. There's a big chance that they might be retarded. I mean, come on, they're talking to you aren't they?
13.) Finally, remember, even if people don't like you now, there's always hope. It may not seem like it, but if you just stop being stupid, and realize that everyone else may be right on some accounts. HeadaroundU, for example, has become quite the good poster, despite being universally disliked for some time. There's hope for everyone. Well, except noodlesfan. You should just end it now while you're ahead.
That's all for Mr. Jakebert's BBS Tips For Beginners, vol. 1. Vol. 2 coming: Probably never.