post some jokes

[number70]

post any joke you can think of!

[number70]

a pickle says to a cucumber, when i get big fat and juicy they stick me in a jar. The cucumber replies, well when i get big fat and juicy they cut me up.

A penis overhears the conversation and says, well if you think that's bad when i get big fat and juicy, they stick a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark and smelly room, and make me do push ups until i throw up!

[Tijs]

Bitchy
Lesbians
On
No
Damn
Edudaction

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

It's still not funny Americana.

[saska de o...]

przychodzi baba do lekarza a lekarz tez baba

hahahaha

...

[the_GoDdEsS]

przychodzi baba do lekarza a lekarz tez baba

hahahaha

...

Kindly stop replying in your mother tongue to annoy people. If you wanna use your mother tongue on here, do it in a special separate topic at least and not among people who don't speak it.

[Hysteria]

You look very pretty in your avatar, GoDdEsS

[Noodles is gay]

Q:Why did Hitler kill himself?
A:He got the gas bill.


Q: What do you do if you see 10,000 dead Frenchmen?
A: Stop laughing and reload.


I'm sorry they could be interpreted as being in bad taste, but what do i care! :D

[Tijs]

Q: What do you do if you see 10,000 dead Frenchmen?
A: Stop laughing and reload.
Haha, french smell, so that is funny.

[the_GoDdEsS]

You look very pretty in your avatar, GoDdEsS
Thank you.

[Panzerfaust92]

Q: What's the difference between a 59" plasma TV and 200 kilos of cocaine?

A: I don't have a 59" plasma TV in my living room.

[wheelchairman]

Q:Why did Hitler kill himself?
A:He got the gas bill.


Q: What do you do if you see 10,000 dead Frenchmen?
A: Stop laughing and reload.


I'm sorry they could be interpreted as being in bad taste, but what do i care! :D
They would've been in bad taste....had they been any good.

[Inshane]

jokes
kjoes
ojkes
sjeko
sejok
kosej

and more.

[Maria]

What did one wall said to another?
-Meet you at the corner!

What's the difference between Frank Sinatra and Walt Disney?
-Frank sings and Walt Disney.

[Hysteria]

Thank you.

No problem, I'm sure you look pretty all the time, not just in your avatar, haha.

[number70]

c'mon people

[Hysteria]

You're the king/queen or making shite topics.

[Towelboy43]

http://humpfest.ca/forum/index.php?showtopic=139

I'm too lazy to copy and paste them all out, so here is a link with 5 or so jokes.

[bd007h]

1. Why don't blind people like sky diving???

It scares the hell out of the dog.




Here's some Michael Jackson ones

2. What do Michael Jackson and a bag have in common??

They are both white, plastic, and dangerous to little children

3. What do Michael Jackson and chicken Mcnuggets have in common?

they are both now white meat

4. What did the dad say to michael Jackson on the beach?

Get out of my sun

5. What do Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common?

They are both 40 year old meat between 10 year old buns

[saska de o...]

przyszla baba do lekarza a lekarz tez baba...

[bd007h]

przyszla baba do lekarza a lekarz tez baba...

and in english??

[wheelchairman]

and in english??
He's asking you to put him on your ignore list.

[Greebo]

What do you do if a baby starts to spit?

Turn the grill down


What's more fun that swinging a dead baby round on a clothesline?

Stopping it with a shovel



I've got plenty more, but i'll probably be accused of being sick in the head or something

[Panzerfaust92]

I've got plenty more, but i'll probably be accused of being sick in the head or something
I know what you mean man, I've got dozens of dead baby jokes, but they're pretty crude

[Panzerfaust92]

Q: What's the difference between a dartboard and a baby?

A: A dartboard doesn't bleed

Q: What's the difference between a Cadilac and 12 dead babies?

A: I don't have a cadillac in my garage

I'm not the sick man who made these up, and will not be held responsible for any actions these jokes may lead too, nor do I condone any of this sick behavior. You asked for some jokes and I gave them to you, I would never hurt a baby. Got that?

[DUKESTER76]

Q. whats the down side of wife swapping??

A. eventually you get yours back.

heres a blond joke

Q. whats the first thing a blond does in the morning??

A. goes home.

[DUKESTER76]

later she would

[DUKESTER76]

what color is your hair??if its red then i am in love, i love red heads, if its not then i still like you

[nitropenguin!]

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?





A: Because it DIED! :D :D :D
lol sorry my ex used to tell that joke and laugh his ass off to look cute... and he succeeded. I'm pathetic.

[DUKESTER76]

actually, it is red, well, the back part is, and the front is dark brown... I dunno how it got that way :confused: my hair is unique!
very cool, its probably cause of the sun. are you natural red though??anyways if its red i love <3

[DUKESTER76]

very cool!!have you posted any pics of yourself in the album??

[DUKESTER76]

post it, i would like to see how you look like, or if you dont want to show it off email me it

[DUKESTER76]

a teenage girl told her mother, "mom, i am pregnant"
"how can that be?" her mother replied. "what have i taught you about sex?"
the girl replied, "that i should take measures"
the mom said, "well, you did'nt take measures, did you?"
thegirl said, "actually, i did. i went with the biggest"

[meaning_of_life]

Q. why did the plane crash?

A. because the pilot was a loaf of bread

^ i know it dosent make sense and isnt really funny, but it was the only thing i could think of

[OffspringInOz]

Q: What do you do if you see 10,000 dead Frenchmen?
A: Stop laughing and reload.


I'm sorry they could be interpreted as being in bad taste, but what do i care! :D

in australia, we have a joke that is almost excactly like that, (if you are not australian, don't read this)

Q:What do you do if a Collingwood supporter is running around with half his head blown off?

A:Stop laughing and reload!

(I know unless you follow Aussie rules footy you wouldn't get that).

[OffspringInOz]

Two blondes walk into a bar, you'd think one of them would've seen it!

[OffspringInOz]

why did the koala fall out of the tree?

it was dead

why did the second koala fall out of the tree?

it was hit by the first koala

why did the third koala fall out of the tree?

it thought it was a game and joined in!

[OffspringInOz]

Politicians!

[Panzerfaust92]

A ventriloquist walks into a theater and starts the show with his dummy. The ventriloquist says blond joke after blond joke and everyone is laughing, except for the blond woman in the front row. After a while she can't take it anymore. She says, " I can't believe how rude you've been tonight."
"Sorry," says the ventriloquist, "I'm just trying to have a good show."
"No, I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to that midget on your knee."

[saska de o...]

ok, nevermind :D
przyszla baba do lekarza a lekarz ucieka bo to nie baba...

ha ha ha ;/

[bd007h]

Q: how do you keep an idiot in suspense???

A: I'll tell you tomorrow

[Unsanctioned]

Redneck
You know youre a redneck if you think a family reunion is a chance to pick up chicks
You know youre a redneck if you score higher on a piss test than an IQ test
You know youre a british redneck if you think tea time has something to do with golf
Blonde
Two girls, 1 blonde, 1 red head, walk into a bar (they dont say "ow") and see a guy with really flaky hair-the red head says "that guy needs some head and shoulders"- the blonde says "how do you give shoulders?"
What do you call a blond with pigtails? A blowjob with handlebars
Why do blondes wear big loop earrings? to hold their feet up
other
A guy walks up to a bar, sees a sign in the window that says "make my donkey laugh and youll get a free beer" so the guy walks in, makes the barkeeps donkey laugh, and the guy gets his free beer, leaves and comes back the next day, a new sign"make my donkey cry and ill give you a free beer" so the guy goes in and makes the barkeeps donkey cry, gets his free beer and drinks it- then the barkeep asks"howd you make him laugh?" " i said my dick was bigger than his" Barkeep asks" howd you make him cry?" "I showed him"
What do turtles and hookers have in common? if theyre on their backs, theyre fucked
If you want more, pm me

[Unsanctioned]

Heres a host of funny sites, the top one is the best
www.joecartoon.com
www.killfrog.com
www.goonland.com
www.campchaos.com
They're all animated but the stuff in them is FUNNY AS HELL
Enjoy

[intothevalleyofdeath]

what do you call 10,000 black people at the bottom of a lake





































a good start

[Hysteria]

:eek: I don't like those sort of jokes.

[intothevalleyofdeath]

but theyre funny

[Hysteria]

and Racist.

[intothevalleyofdeath]

only the joke...not me

[Hysteria]

Hmm I suppose.
Sorry, I'm in a random mood at the moment.

[DUKESTER76]

A FEW WORDS TO LEARN CHINESE

Are you harboring a fugitive - Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high - No Bai Dam Ting
Did you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution.- Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King
You are not very bright - Yu So Dum
I got this for free - Ai No Pei
I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?
They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight - Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
Does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung?

please dont take these offensive if you are chinese!!!!!!or half

[Unsanctioned]

Im more think than you drunk I am
googer geiger
Beauty is in the eye of the berrholder

[dirty_magic]

why do women have small feet?

so they can get near to the cooker

[Unsanctioned]

What was that? was it a joke or...what the hell was it?

[Hysteria]

It was a crap jok
e.

[wliethof]

what do you do when a woman comes out of the kitchen?

shorten the chain.

ahahahaaaa

[samr]

What was that? was it a joke or...what the hell was it?

It mean that all women are good for is cooking.

here is another like that:

What do you do when the dish washer stops working?
Smack her and tell her to keep working

[samr]

ANTI JOKES OFFENSIVE

Why did the little African-American boy cry himself to sleep?

He had AIDS.


What did the blind, deaf, mute kid get for Christmas?

Cancer.

So two guys walk into a bar....






They're both alcoholics and they beat their wives.

What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?
The little boy in the trunk of my car.

What do you do after you rape a 12 year old deaf, dumb, and blind girl?
Brake her fingers so she cant tell her mom.

A guy and a girl are having sex, and the girl says: "Don't you think it was presumptuous of you to think you could sleep with me on the first date?" The man responds: "Don't you think 'presumptuous' is kind of a big word for a second grader?"

A man goes into a pharmacy. He says to the druggist: "I need some birth control for my eleven-year-old daughter." "Is your little girl sexually active?" asks the druggist. "Nah, she just lays there like her mother."

One day the parents of an eleven-year-old boy and his ten-year-old sister leave them alone together in the house. The two kids begin talking about "it," and pretty soon they decide to try doing "it" with each other. After they're done, the boy says: "Wow, you're even better than Mom!" "I know," says the girl, "that's what Dad says too."

A boy and a pedophile are out at night, walking towards the forest. The boy says, "It's dark! I don't like it! I'm scared!" The pedophile says, "You're scared! I've got to walk back out of here on my own!"

A little girl is sitting on the street crying. A man walks by and says "What's wrong little girl." The girl says "I was just raped by 12 black men." The man unzips his pants and says "This just isn't your lucky day is it."

A young girl runs in to the bathroom and sees her mother in the shower. She says "Mommy whats that?". The mom says "Its a pussy." The girl says "when do I get one?" The mom replies "When you're around 13." The girl comes back and sees her dad in the shower. She says "Daddy what's that." The dad says "It's a penis." The girl asks "When do I get one?" The dad says "When mommy leaves baby "

Why do Americans suck?

Because they don't put "u"'s in words like colour and flavour.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Genocide.

What's worse than finding two worms in your apple?

Being chloroformed, and waking up in a warehouse with your arms tied behind you, sitting on a chair, and your mouth duct-taped shut, before a voice announces that the fun is about to begin, and all of a sudden three dozen black men with huge knobs come out of nowhere and have their way with you.

A week later, your mother finds the video of this on the internet and promptly disowns you. Your father also disowns you, and they forward the link to your girlfriend, who breaks up with you, but not before tying you up and having her way with your arse with an unlubricated strap on, and not untying you when she leaves.

What do you get when you cross Mariah Carey and Elton John?

Nothing. Elton John prefers men.

[samr]

ANTI JOKES OFFENSIVE

Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head."

His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."
--

What did the apple say to the orange?

I despise you for being different from me.

What happens when you drink and drive?

A 14 car pile-up resulting in 2 children being paralyzed for life, 19 people dead, and you start vomiting on your dead friend's corpse.

2 muffins are in the oven baking.

1 muffin turns to the other and says "Boy it's hot in here"

the other muffin turns around and says "HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN!"

A preist and a rabbi walk into a bar...






Worst barfight ever.

What's the worst part of having sex with a 4 year old?

Getting the blood out of the Ronald McDonald costume.

Three jews walk into a bar................


three child prostitutes leave with a bundle of cash.


I dont really wanna offend anyone with these antijokes.

[samr]

ANTI JOKES OFFENSIVE

why couldn't helen keller drive?

she was a woman

What's the best part about having sex with twenty three year olds?

There are twenty of them.

What did Helen Keller say when she fell off a cliff?

Nothing, she was wearing mittens.

What is a white man surrounded by 20 black men?

Basketball coach.

40 men?

Football coach.

1000 men?

Warden.

4 men?

The Victim.

What is a black man surrounded by 4 white men?

The aggressor.

What's the same about sperm and black people?

1 in 2 million work.

How do you starve a black person?

Hide his food stamps under his work boots.

How do you make a little boy cry twice?

Wipe your bloody dick on his teddy bear.


What's the difference between a dead baby and a rock?

You can't fuck a rock.

How do you make a dead baby float?

Take your foot off of it.

a blonde walks into a bar.

ouch.

Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

A: Perhaps Willie Nelson and John Cougar Mellencamp will stage a benefit concert outside my barn to raise funds to replace the missing machinery.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
The police. Your husband died in a car wreck.

A man goes to the doctor and pokes himself in the leg with his index finger. The man says "Ow! Doctor, it hurts whenever I poke myself here!" The doctor says "Yes, you've shattered both your kneecaps. You'll never walk again."

Q. What's the difference between michael jackson and a toaster?
A. A toaster makes toast. Michael Jackson molests little boys.

Q. What did the rock say to the river?
A. Nothing, rocks can't talk.

Three men walk into a bar. They're all alcoholics, and they beat their wives.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sugar is sweet
And your mother is a whore

Knock knock.
Who's there?
The pizza man.
The pizza man who?
Pizza Man Steve.

Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...

The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS."

"What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"

"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."

[samr]

Well I totally killed this topic with my little kiddies.

[Greebo]

How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles?

Nail it's other hand to the floor



What's red, white, silver and bumps into things?

A baby with forks in its eyes



What's the best thing about fucking a 7 year old?

Hearing the pelvis snap



What's the differnce between a Jew and a canoe?

A canoe tips



How do you stop five black guys from raping a white woman?

Throw them a basketball



What do you call a trendy in a box?

Innit



What do you call a fat trendy?

Heavy

[NIX-on-the-MAN]

1.) Horse walks into a bar.
Bartender says "Why the long face?"

2.) Two guy's are sitting at a bus stop (these guys are like the village idiots).
One of the guys looks at his watch and says "Man, I need to get a get a
new watch, this one's broken."
His friend askes "How do you know that?"
The man replies "Becase the small fat hand hasn't moved for 60 seconds."

3.(This one's nice and long)
Three men find a magic lamp with a genie in it. They let the genie out and ask him about their three wises. The genie says "Sence there are three of you already you all get one wise. The catch is that I have to lock you in a room for a hundred years with your wise and you when I come back I have to kill you.
After a long dibate with themselves the first guy says, "OK, I want to be locked in a room with nothing but beer, all I can drink." Genie says "Done!" and turns to the next guy. Guy number two says with a smurk on his face "I want to be locked in a room with a bunch of women." "Done!" screams the genie and turns to the last guy who has a glace in his eyes and says "I want to be locked in a room with a whole pile of weed."
A hundred years later the genie comes back and opens the door to the first room and askes "So, how did you like your wise?" The man replies "It sucked, I kepted getting sick and I'd wake up with these horrable hangovers." Genie says I'm sorry, then snaps his fingers and the man dies. Then he goes over to the next door and opens it. Same question "How did you like your wise?" The man says "Boring, after a while the girls started losing interest in me and started making out with the other chicks." I'm sorry, snaps his fingers and the man drops.
He opens the last door to find the man crying inside, "What wrong, didn't you like your wise?" said the genie. The man looks up and says, "I forgot my lighter."

[Unsanctioned]

Redneck
You know youre a redneck if your dad walks you to school only because hes in the same grade as you
You know youre a redneck if your mom starts fist fights at school sporting events
you know youre a redneck if you think 401K is your mother in laws bra size
Blonde
Why do blondes wear panties? to keep their feet warm
Blondes are just red-heads with all the fire fucked out of them
blondes MIGHT be offended by this post (red heads might too)
Other
www.joecartoon.com
www.goonland.com
www.killfrog.com
www.campchaos.com
The contents of the sites are funny. and offensive to some. especially the first one.

[Hysteria]

Q: Why did the man cross the road?

A: Because he couldn't get his knob out of the chicken.

[acgc2002]

why was the cow dancing?
R: to make milk shake.


what are the measurements of the perfect man?
R: 90, 45, 60.
( 90 years old, 45 C degrees of fever and 60 billion in his bank account).

[Radi0_havana52]

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
"How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
"So?"
"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"

[meaning_of_life]

geez samr. those jokes are really offensive. there still funy in SMALL doses though. and the redneck jokes suck

[shatskater]

ok here is one.

These two guys walk in to a bar and sit down. They look over and see a guy that looks like Hitler. They ask the bartender if that was Hitler and he says "ya, why?" They say just wondering and talk about it a bit more. they decide to go talk to him so they go over and sit down and say hey are you hitler? he says yes and they say they thought he was dead. he says no it was his dad and asks what they want. one of the guys asks him if he could go back in the past and do one thing over what would he do? he thought about it for a while and said he would go back and kill 180,000 jews and 3 ducks. the second guy asks him...Why would you kill three ducks and hitler says "SEE NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THE JEWS!!"

What is long, black and smells like shit? the unemployment line.

why are there no olympics in mexico? because anyone who can run, jump, or swim is already over here.

thats just a few of MANY!!

[Unsanctioned]

But i figured, hey-theyre jokes, right?

[number70]

great but i need more!

[Unsanctioned]

bring that cheese whiz on over here and spread it on my peculiars right now. yeah, you heard me.
but, im allergic to cheese whiz.
yay! cheese whiz!
no, i dont expect those who havent been to www.joecartoon.com to understand this.