Anti-social decisions

[ad8]

Yesterday I decided not to go partying with my friends but to go to bed early and relax a bit before I went to training this morning. One of my friends tried to persuade me to come with him but I just felt like I really needed some rest because I was tired as hell. Still I would have liked to do something with my friends since I am rarely doing anything with them. Plus I felt bad for rejecting his invite which made him feel bad, too. I think it was the right decision not to go with them but still I'm feeling bad. I hate situations like this when I feel like an anti-social asshole afterwards although I did the right thing. Any similar experiences?

[Static_Martyr]

Not really; I was never really that social in high-school, and I've only recently started really "hanging out" with people. So that seems kinda like the normal reaction to me, the being tired and wanting to stay home thing. I have this attitude with my friends where I think, "I'm tired, you guys go have fun, alright?" And if they hound me about it I just play it off:

ME: "I gotta go home early tonight, I work tomorrow."
THEM: "What time?"
ME: "Up at 5, work at 6, get off at 3."
THEM: "Well, I have to go to work at 6, but I'm still going!"
ME: "Well, I like to actually be rested when I wake up."
THEM: "Whatever, dude."
ME: "Alright, see ya~"

And that's usually it. If it goes any farther, I tend to have this attitude of, "I need my sleep, and if you don't get it, then piss off." Though it's never actually come to that; I like to think I can trust them not to pull that "peer pressure" bullshit on me.

Sorry if this is no help at all 0_0

[bighead384]

If you feel bad about it, then next time just stop by for an hour or two and leave early to get some rest. Make the compromise. Unless of course you're too tired for even that. Which I generally find hard to believe, although it is possible.

[Nina]

I say, there is generally a right time for most things. If you wanted to hang out but decided the better idea was to get rest, then you should stand behind your correct decision. Feeling bad is natural I guess, but you can make up for it (to your friends and in your head) by suggesting to hang out another time or, more importantly, at a different time. It sounded like you did want to but that the time was bothering you.

Anyway, I am in that situation pretty often. I'm not home half the month and the other half I go out and meet friends a lot, or I spend it with my boyfriend. Since I need more ~me~ time I end up declining offers to hang out pretty often, which does make me feel guilty, but eventually my friends need to accept that my job situation is a lot different to theirs and that I need far more rest than they do when I come home from work. It works out eventually.

[ilovellamas]

I've found myself making the decision to stay home all too often this last year. There are many times when I don't go out unless 1) I'm already with those friends and I'm sort of forced to go with the flow, or 2) They hound me... a bunch of them call, text, leave ridiculous messages about how lame I am. That actually works on me, haha. Because otherwise I just tend to get home from work and want to lay around the house.

I didn't used to be like this... A lot of my friends would talk about how I could always be counted on to go out, and how they didn't even need to ask because I always was up for it. This just changed in the last year or two.

[dff_punk]

I actually have the opposite problem. Every single time someone asks me out to some party with friends, I go, no matter how much work I have to do.

[PilZ-E]

I made the decision to stay home all day today... probably. There is still time to change my mind but I doubt it.

[_Lost_]

There's nothing wrong with rejecting an invitation. I've done it a bunch of times. Some nights you just wanna chill, watch a movie, and konk out early.

What really sucks is when you want to do something and no one else seems up for going out.

[jacknife737]

About five minutes ago, i turned down an offer to go to a party, with a free keg, and free 60s of vodka, to work on an essay for my French Revolution seminar.

I'm still debating over my choice.

[Betty]

So appropriate.

Right now I'm definitely facing this dilemma.

For the last 3-4 years, my life has been extremely social. This was a bit of a change for me, because even though I've always had a bit of a social life, I've never had so many friends and acquaintances that I was able to find something to do 3-4 nights a week and then weekend trips, etc.

I pretty much never, ever say no to an invite because I want to have Michelle time or because I'm tired. I think this is partly because I've never had so many invites that I never had to start rejecting them. So then I end up having to relegate Michelle time to the times when nobody asks me to do anything, and sometimes those times have been sparse.

My problem NOW, however, is that I need to get more fucking work done because I have all these projects and plans. It's not stuff that I NEED to do, but it's stuff that I WANT to do. And if I'm going to accomplish any of it, I'm going to need to start declining invites and staying in to work on stuff much more often. It breaks my heart though. And I'm a total sucker for peer pressure. I had invites to do two different awesome things tonight (house party or music bingo at the pub) and I'd love to do both of those things, but I think I'm going to end up working late in the office. The good part is that even though I'm hesitating and kicking myself a bit now, I know that tomorrow morning I'll be happy I had a productive day.

As regards Lost's last comment, I think the thing I need to do is go out just often enough that I see my friends often enough that I don't become completely anti-social and where people stop inviting me to hangout as they assume I won't come. Need to put in the face time. Maybe I'll become a hot commodity. Also, I hate flaky people, and so I think it's best to say either you will or you won't go, but not to say you will and then end up not showing up. That pisses me off.

[PilZ-E]

Actually forget what I said earlier. I'm going to take a shower and try to find something to do. Except, I just got a new phone and the only two phone numbers I have belong to a kid who is at a Christian Rock Festival and a kid who is at work... Damn it.

[ilovellamas]

I almost did what this thread is about tonight. But I changed my mind due to the circumstances of going out changing, and so I'm about to shower and head out. But yeah, I almost was just like "Meh, I kinda just wanna chill." It happens a lot. :)

[jacknife737]

About five minutes ago, i turned down an offer to go to a party, with a free keg, and free 60s of vodka, to work on an essay for my French Revolution seminar.

I'm still debating over my choice.

So i compromised with myself tonight. I worked until around midnight, and then i met my firends at a pub.

Still, i do find, that i oddly enough to feel wierd when i opt out of going out to stay in and work, but i think i'll be doing that a little more this term, since i really want to get good grades. Other times, i just feel like watching a movie; but when everyone else in my house is so gung ho about going out, i just feel obligated to follow along.

[PilZ-E]

I should have stuck to my original decision. Tonight was a sub-par experience at best.

[ilovellamas]

I should have stuck to my original decision. Tonight was a sub-par experience at best.

hahahahaha I totally clicked on this thread to say the exact same thing! Waste of getting ready, waste of gas, waste of money in general.

[Paint_It_Black]

I'm so anti-social that I recently realized I was developing a significant problem. I started simply saying yes to more things, and immediately some great things happened in my life. Possibly even a career, with luck. A great one.

Nothing wrong with being anti-social from time to time. But when you start to feel you are anti-social most of the time you need to take a long hard look at yourself.

[Tizzalicious]

I can relate to that Richard. I have to cancel or say no to a lot of things because I don't feel good healthwise, but it started to make me anxious about saying yes, which is definitely not a good situation.

[Paint_It_Black]

Tizz, I have experienced health reasons myself, so I have some idea of how horrible it can be. I've said no to things because the thought of "what if I feel ill when I get there" won't go away. I'm sure you know what I mean and experience it far worse than I do. But my advice, if you don't mind me offering it, would be to always try and say yes unless you really think you simply can't physically do it. Or, perhaps not always. Maybe set yourself a quota, like "I must say yes at least 25% of the time". You really don't want to get to the point where you say no without even really considering the offer. That sucks.

[Free?]

I don't see any problem about saying "no" when I'm asked to go out somewhere if I don't really want to. It caused minor conflicts earlier, but lately my friends seem to accept such attitude without any big problems. I expect for them to do the same. It's the way of mutual respect and understanding, imo it's very wrong when you have to force yourself and accept offers you don't like just to keep your friendship and being "social".

[Paint_It_Black]

Free?, that works for anyone who isn't worried that they may be developing a bit of a social problem.

[ad8]

If you feel bad about it, then next time just stop by for an hour or two and leave early to get some rest. Make the compromise. Unless of course you're too tired for even that. Which I generally find hard to believe, although it is possible.
Yeah, I thought about that. I think I'm going to do that next time.

What really sucks is when you want to do something and no one else seems up for going out.
Yeah, that's why I felt bad for my friends. But I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one to have a nice party with.

PS: Thanks for all of your helpful responses.

[Tizzalicious]

Tizz, I have experienced health reasons myself, so I have some idea of how horrible it can be. I've said no to things because the thought of "what if I feel ill when I get there" won't go away. I'm sure you know what I mean and experience it far worse than I do. But my advice, if you don't mind me offering it, would be to always try and say yes unless you really think you simply can't physically do it. Or, perhaps not always. Maybe set yourself a quota, like "I must say yes at least 25% of the time". You really don't want to get to the point where you say no without even really considering the offer. That sucks.

That's really good advice. A lot of the times I really can't go, but the "what if I feel bad if I do go" is definitely a factor, like if I already feel a little bad, or sometimes I get so worked up about having plans that it stresses me out and that WILL give me a migraine. I should just relax about it some more I guess, and think I can just go home or whatever if I don't feel well.

[PilZ-E]

Does it count if I want to hang out with people, but I don't want to be with any of my friends?

[Free?]

I guess it means that you feel a need to find some new friends or your current friends bore you.

[PilZ-E]

Oh, I know what it means, but does that make me anti-social?

[Free?]

Oh, I know what it means, but does that make me anti-social?

Imo it doesn't. plus what Duskygrin said.

[Betty]

Oh, I know what it means, but does that make me anti-social?

Nah. I'm very much like that.

Sometimes I feel like a terrible person, because as much as I want to have close friends to rely on, unless they're on the same page as me intellectually or we have some awesome common interest, once I've gotten to know them, I get very bored of just hanging out.

I love meeting new people though. I think I like to meet people and then get to know them and find out what they've got to offer, and then move on in most cases. And I'm not even particularly socially outgoing (I'd say I'm more introverted), but I'm still drawn to meeting new people. I don't know if this is contradictory.

It definitely doesn't mean you're anti-social.

And I relate to the sub-par experience thing.

Last night I stayed in, but I know if I had gone out, there would be a significant chance that I would be disappointed in the experience. I think if I go out less often, I'll have more fun when I do since I'll be in the right mindset for it, and my friends and I will have more to catch up on.

Another this is when you spend lots of time with people, you start to get used to it, and you start to have a harder time being alone. When you get used to being alone, however, you start to not have a problem with it at all.

[PilZ-E]

The bad thing about my situation is I enjoy meeting new people and people get along with me very easily. But I'm really bad at talking to people randomly unless they are related to me. Thats why almost all of my friends are friends with my friends. Basically, I have to be introduced to someone.
I suppose now is a good time to change that.

[Betty]

It's a tricky situation. I'm pretty much like that too.

That's why I love house parties with lots of random strangers. I think they're one of the greatest ways to meet people. I'm so much better at striking up conversations with a couple of drinks in me (yes, I use alcohol as a social crutch). I've met some awesome new people this way. Bars can be a shitty atmosphere for this type of thing for a variety of reasons.

I've met people through sports. I've joined a lot of random teams with strangers. It's not ideal, but every once in a while I meet some awesome people. I orchestrated some team bonding after game pub trips and was able to get to know some new people that way.

Lately, I've also been having GREAT conversations with random old men on planes and ferries. On my last flight home, I met the nicest man who has done about a gazillion things in his life, so we talked about the meaning of life, etc, for a good hour. Then he gave me a ride home from the airport.

Just practice though; it gets easier.

[mrconeman]

Yeah, I know the exact feeling. I used to be extremely shy, like crippingly shy. So while I still did hang out with my close friends wherever possible, I just didn't enjoy parties that much because I wasn't ever able to mingle, I was just horrible at that kind of thing.

I also recall from I was around 15 untill 17, I very rarely did anything but play the guitar, which is an experience I'm extremely glad for, I'm a decent guitar player because if it, and I also think I missed out on alot of bullshit teen drama I wanted nothing to do with anyway, but of course I'm regretful of missing out on some cool things my friends still talk about that happened in that time.

I dunno, my shyness seems to have almost totally disapeared, and in the last 2 years I've had so many "Geez, you used to be so shy, half the time you're the life of the party now" comments. Which really puts a big smile on my face, because shyness was my absolute worst enemy, and I hate that I ever was so shy.

It was my friends 21st birthday on Friday, and I seen a few people there I hadn't seen for about a year or so, and they were commenting how much I've "come out of my shell" was the term I think. Awesome.

I mean, I'm still more introvert than extrovert, easily. But nowdays I don't really have a problem talking to absolute random strangers, or just saying "fuck it" and doing what I want in front of whoever happens to be there, losing inhibitions is fantastic. And with a few drops of alcohol in me, I'll pretty much socialise like nobodies business, and it's awesome.

So yeah, I got used to saying no to alot of party invites, and once I started going to these sorts of things, it's like anything else, the more you do it, the easier it becomes. Pretty much the only thing that stops me going out these days is illness, or lack of money.

[Tizzalicious]

The bad thing about my situation is I enjoy meeting new people and people get along with me very easily. But I'm really bad at talking to people randomly unless they are related to me. Thats why almost all of my friends are friends with my friends. Basically, I have to be introduced to someone.
I suppose now is a good time to change that.

I feel you on that one. I remember when I was little and we used to go camping, it was always my sister talking to strangers and making friends, and me being lucky if they had older siblings or hung out in a group or whatever.

[Paint_It_Black]

I really don't like talking to strangers much. Wait, actually I do. One of the few things I like about my job is that I sometimes get to speak to really interesting and unusual characters. But I like it to be on my terms. Which means they don't get much information about me and when it's done we never speak again.

I'm very cautious about making new friends. Let's say I'm quite picky. Most people go in the acquaintance category. Essentially I don't want to waste my time becoming really good friends with people unless they meet pretty high standards. It's not that I'm particularly arrogant or full of myself, I just really know what I like. And I prefer to have a small group of great friends than a large group of average friends.

I actually have a tendency to obsess over one person at a time. I'm really in to the best friend thing, always have been. It leads to problems but has many rewards to compensate. And although I always say I'm an anti-social bastard I tend to be quite different when I have that best friend character and want to spend as much time as possible with that person, alone or with others.